Inviting a girl back to your place has become 100-percent synonymous with an invite to have sex.
I've been looking at how rigid and narrow many of these expectations are, creating a razor-thin window of acceptable manly behavior that you'd have to be a professional tightrope walker to navigate.
(Which would be a problem, since "professional tightrope walker" is definitely outside the parameters of acceptable manliness.) I've been looking at how so many of these expectations are not only rigid, but totally contradictory, creating a vision of idealized manhood that's not just ridiculous but literally unattainable. When I did my informal, unscientific poll of the men in my life and asked what was expected of them as men, this one came up a lot. Like, an amount that took me seriously by surprise.
Because of this, it can be a bad idea to invite her over too soon—and it’s also smart to make it clear that you’re not expecting sex if she So how soon is too soon?
If you have a scrap of progressive politics in your bones, it's no surprise to you that sexism hurts women. But men undoubtedly get screwed up by this stuff, too. And I care for entirely pragmatic, even Machiavellian reasons. and I think one of the best things we can do to advance feminism is to get more men on board.
But we don't talk as much about how sexism hurts men. When you look at the grotesque ways women are damaged by sexism -- from economic inequality to political disenfranchisement to literal, physical abuse -- it makes perfect sense that we'd care more about how sexism and patriarchy and rigid gender roles affect women, than we do about how they affect men. I care because I care about justice: fair is fair, and I don't want to solve the problem of gender inequality by making things suck worse for men.
And I think other feminists -- and other women and men who may not see themselves as feminists -- ought to care about it, too. I care because I have men and boys in my life, men and boys who matter to me: I see how they get twisted into knots by gender roles that are not only insanely rigid but impossibly contradictory, and it makes me sick and sad and seriously pissed off.
If we can convince more men that sexism screws up their lives, too -- and that life shared with free and equal women is a whole lot more fun -- we're going to get a lot more men on our side.